Online Dating

In my last post I said that one of my non-work projects for the summer was to work out more and lose weight.  I've been ok about working out, but I have not lost any weight.  That was also influenced by a trip to see my mom, which always equals weight gain. Now I am back on the wagon and hopefully that project will progress nicely (she says as she chomps on carrot sticks).  So, the next non-work project for the summer is online dating.  I started about a month ago and it has been a very interesting process.

First I signed up for a website that is for "ivy league and other academically elite singles."  Sure, that is a bit snobby of me, but I thought I might as well go for the gold. Unfortunately the closest person to me is 80 miles away.  Most of my top matches are in California.  Sigh.  This pretty much confirms my belief that there are no good guys anywhere near me. 

My next plan was to do eHarmony.  It is rather expensive, so I filled out all of my info and then waited for them to do a promotional weekend, which fortunately came a week later. Again on eHarmony I have suffered from the problem of too few options.  They keep matching me with guys in Connecticut and NYC. But there are a couple of guys that might be ok, so I have been communicating with them.  eHarmony has a very prescribed sequence of communication activities so you can't really just start talking to someone.  As a result I barely know most of the guys on there, and am just getting to the stage of talking to them for real.  I guess that is how they weed out a lot of the hookup-only people.

While I was waiting to subscribe to eHarmony I tried another, free, site called OkCupid.  It seems a bit tacky, but surprisingly it has turned out to be the best site so far.  Someone also just recommended the free site PlentyOfFish so I think I will try that next too.  I am also on match but I haven't paid for it yet - I thought (perhaps mistakenly) that eHarmony would be the better choice.

The whole process is very fascinating.  First you have to create your own profile.  That is a bit more introspective than I expected.  What am I good at? How would my friends describe me? What am I passionate about?  And also, what am I looking for in a partner? There is a lot of trying to sell yourself - how humble should you be? How can/do I stand out? I think it put me a bit more in the mindset of "I hope they like me" instead of the previous mindset of "I hope there's someone decent on here." Then it is time to find your man!  This is also a very strange process.  On one hand you don't want to waste your time with people who obviously aren't a good match for you, but on the other hand you don't want to judge someone too quickly. This is another good time to look at yourself as well. Do I really care what he looks like? Does he have to be a college graduate? What about job/salary? I think I've started by trying to be open to a lot of different things, but as I talk to more and more guys I am narrowing down my "type" a bit. OkCupid has a lot of clever ways to let people know that you are interested in each other, and then you can either send messages or chat (like im). I actually did not know that the IM existed until a guy randomly started chatting with me. All of a sudden I felt a lot of pressure to be charming and witty! The messages are a bit easier because you have time to think about a response. If you follow me on facebook then you have seen many of the not-so-winning messages from guys that have contacted me.  It turns out that I am a stickler for grammar and spelling. And coherent thoughts. (<- bad grammar, but apparently acceptable bad grammar.) And the pictures! Some guys need a major tutorial in what girls are looking for (no cell phone/web camera pics, no tiny grainy pics, for me no bodybuilder pics or professional headshots, and would it kill you to smile?). With all of it there is an interesting balance between wanting the other person to like you and thinking that they should be impressing you. Perhaps this is true of all dating, but in the past I have tended to date people I knew somehow, rather than blind dates or setups. I think it will get more normal with time.

Of course the next step is to actually meet in person! I have met one guy in person, for a quick no-big-deal date. Man, I am so clueless about blind dates. What to wear? How early/on time/fashionably late to be? How to handle who pays? Small talk! Saying goodbye! Sheesh. I think that this will definitely get easier with practice. My original plan was to date a bunch of lame guys first so that I wouldn't be a spaz when it came to guys I might actually like, but that hasn't panned out. Fortunately I am fairly socially skilled, so it isn't really that bad, just in my head. I do have a hard time with the fact that I weigh more than I would like. For most of my life I have had a good level of confidence with my appearance, but that has been waning as of late. The gym was supposed to be kicking in before I actually met guys in person, but it hasn't. I can see the good side of this, that I don't want a guy that only wants me for a hot body. But part of me wishes I could have the confidence of a hot body on these dates.

Going into this process I figured I would find some average/mediocre guys and go on a bunch of dates and maybe one of them would actually turn out to be good. It is true that I have found a bunch of ok guys that I am willing to see in person. But also very early on I found a guy that I actually get along with really well and it has surprised me a bit. We have moved past the awkward first niceties and just chat like I would with a friend. I'm not going to jump the gun and say that he and I are destined to be together or anything, but it does give me hope that I could find the right guy out of this whole process.  I'll keep you posted! (While being mindful that one of these guys may one day get to read all of this!)